I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately. I’ve been blessed for the first time in my life, to have someone in my life, who tells me like it is, but in a way where I know it’s just something I need to work on. They don’t make me feel like crap because of my flaws, that’s a new thing. I was told yesterday that I’m, so self-conscious, it stops me from having fun. I never thought of it that way before. I know I’m super shy, timid, and all around uncomfortable in most social situations, and have been most of my life. I know it’s been worse this past year of my life, for a whole heap of reasons, which I’m sure you all can guess. The solution was to just be comfortable with me, my body, and stop letting it get in the way of me being me, or so I was told. It sounds simple, but it’s not.
I think everything I’ve been through in life has caught up to me this past year and sent me into a tizzy. I think after everything that happened last January, I’ve just been in survival mode. I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces of my life, and form them into some form of myself. I think in doing so it’s brought to surface a lot of things I repressed, or declined to deal with, and now I’m just wading through all of that.
I have a lot of self esteem issues, and they’ve been exacerbated the older I get. I know I’ll never be the prettiest girl, that’s something I’ve known my whole life. The problem is people treating you like you’re not worthy of something because you’re not gorgeous. People can debate with me all they like, but men generally do not find overweight girls attractive. You can say everyone has their own tastes, and there’s someone out there, yada, yada, yada. If there’s this wonderful guy who doesn’t care that I have some extra weight, then where is he? Where are these men you speak of? I don’t know them. I’m always the girl that’d be perfect, if she was just more attractive, if she wasn’t overweight. Yeah, I’m smart, that’s just proven to be intimidating. People keep telling me I’m enough as I am, but that’s hard to believe when the rest of the world teaches you otherwise.
It’s hard to feel good about yourself when almost everyone you care about just makes you feel like you’re useless all the time. My ex from high school told me, “I only date average looking girls, so I look more attractive.” That felt so wonderful. My ex-best friend would say when someone was interested in me, “I don’t know why, you’re not pretty.” She’d call me a grenade like from stupid Jersey Shore, behind my back to everyone. She made me feel horrible all the time, the exact opposite of what a best friend should be. My sisters like to make fun of my chin all the time. They say I have a grandpa chin, like the grandpa from Hey Arnold. And they say, “Meh heh heh” how the grandpa laughs to make fun of me. I could go on, and on…
It’s hard to believe when new people enter your life, and tell you all these wonderful things about yourself, when all you can think of is the negative people have said for so long. Trying to adjust that kind of thinking takes time. I was taught for so long, intentional or not, that I’m not worthy of being loved, because of how I look. I think as a person, on the inside I have a lot of offer. I know I have a good heart, and I care a ton about the people I love. It’s just getting someone else to look past the outside, to get the to the inside that seems to be the longstanding issue.
I will say though, I’ve made more progress since August than I have in years. It helps to be surrounded by amazing people, who are patient with you, and try to convince you everyday how wonderful you are. Even if it’s just a smack in the back of the head, when I self degrade myself. I’m learning, and changing, slowly but surely everyday. It’s hard to really look at yourself and analyze your flaws, it’s painful, excruciatingly painful, but I have to hope that in doing so it’ll only make me better, it has to right?
